Tears

This is another one of those posts that I don’t know how to start, other than to just say it.

Last Thursday, Mar 9, following another CT scan, we met with our oncologist to review.  He told us what we already knew, or at least strongly suspected - that the chemo was not working, the cancer is spreading, Kate’s body could not withstand further treatment, and there are no other treatment options.  He recommended that we switch to focusing on treating her symptoms and spending time with the kids and loved ones.

We’ve known since December that this is an aggressive cancer, but we had hoped that the chemo would be effective and buy us a lot of time, or at least some time.  After a scan in January and just before chemo started, he told us that it’s progressing much faster than expected, and he and all his colleagues were stumped as to why.  Note that this is the pre-eminent Appendiceal Cancer expert at what is widely accepted to be the best cancer hospital on the planet, and he was stumped.

His team explained that if chemo was effective, we’d know pretty soon just by observing her pain and other symptoms.  Kate’s pain has been increasing steadily since October, and the chemo didn’t have any effect on that trajectory.  Given what we saw with her symptoms, we expected this news and agreed with his assessment and recommendation to switch to hospice care.  He didn’t give a time frame, because truly no one can but God.  In the most general terms, he told us ‘weeks to months’, but that’s as much of a guess as it is experience or science.

So as of Thursday afternoon, Kate transferred from MD Anderson to Houston Hospice as her primary care team.  She’s home, and hospice nurses visit regularly, though we’re still her primary caregivers.  She can go into their inpatient care center if needed, but the goal is to keep her at home as much as possible.

We continue to pray for the intercession of Fr. Margil that God would heal Katie.  We know that He will heal her, though it looks like He is planning to heal her in heaven, and not here on earth.  In addition, I've been praying to St. Joseph, patron of the departing.

Oh St. Joseph whose protection is so great, so strong, so prompt before the Throne of God, I place in you all my interests and desires. Oh St. Joseph, do assist me by your powerful intercession and obtain for me from your Divine Son all spiritual blessings through Jesus Christ, Our Lord, so that having engaged here below your heavenly power I may offer my Thanksgiving and Homage to the most loving of Fathers. Oh St. Joseph, I never weary contemplating you and Jesus asleep in your arms.  I dare not approach while He reposes near your heart.  Press him in my name and kiss His fine Head for me, and ask Him to return the Kiss when I draw my dying breath.  St. Joseph, Patron of departing souls, pray for us.  Amen.

Many have asked me how I'm doing.  If you know me well, you know that I'm mildly Type-A (heavy sarcasm).  I like to know what's happening, develop a plan, and execute the plan.  God has been very clear with me these past days - there is no plan.  There is very little I can do to prepare (or help her prepare) in any meaningful way.  There is only today.  There is only the gift of another day, another hour, another minute with Kate by my side.  My prayer has been that He give me the strength and wisdom for today.  I don't need to worry about next year, next month, next week, or even tomorrow.  My calling is to live my marriage today.  It's to be the best husband, father, son, friend, employee, and man that I can be today, at this moment.  Please don't take that to mean that I do it well - I still need lots of prayers just like everyone else.

In this season of Lent when we practice turning back to God, perhaps He's asking the same thing of you.  Perhaps all we ever need is the strength and wisdom for today, to spend our energy on today, on the people we're with, on our calling today rather than what our calling may be in the future.

As difficult as this news is, we feel peace with where we are right now.  There are, of course, good days and bad days, but through it all we know that we are where God wants us to be.  We've looked into alternative treatment options; Kate and I agreed that we'd rather spend her last days enjoying time with one another, the kids, and our friends and family.  As you can imagine, time here at home is precious.  Kate is sleeping more these days, but still awake most of the day.  She needs a lot of her day just to do the things that you and I take for granted.  Visitors have been such a blessing, but it's a tough balance between seeing friends and spending time with me and the children.  Most days, she'd rather not take any visitors and just spend it with us.  It's been such a blessing to spend so much time with my best friend these past days, and I'm truly grateful to God for this time.

Thank you all so much for journeying with us this past year.  We feel the strength and support of your prayers.  Your generosity has been overwhelming.  We love you all, and are honored to have your attention and your prayers.  Please continue to pray for us - we will need your prayers more and more over the next days and weeks.

May God abundantly bless you.